Why are you apologizing?!

I get the following questions/statements a lot:

• Why are you apologizing?
• Sorry for what?
• Stop apologizing.
• What are you sorry for?
• Apologizing makes you sound needy...

For a while there, I was starting to feel like a really confident person (if we go back in time two and a half years or so). But I changed course. Although several fundamental qualities of my personality and morals remain, I have changed course. And changing course means unfamiliar territory, which tends to mean there will be bumps and bruises, and sometimes those little injuries along the way (if acquired consistently along the unbeaten path) give a person reason to doubt him/herself.
I doubt and second guess myself and my choices rather often.
I do feel as though I've been growing as a human being, but growing isn't easy.



I don't always feel certain about where my source of light to grow toward is, either. But as long as I'm growing toward some kind of light, I suppose I should be content to simply grow and let the chips fall where they may.
I'm under construction. That is why I apologize so much. Honestly, when others are speaking/interacting with me, I don't even feel certain I know who it is that they're dealing with. I do know, however, that I am an empathetic person who doesn't enjoy the annoyance/pain/confusion of other people. I also know that I apologize more often than I would like to, but it feels like a compulsion now. I'm not sure how to kick the habit.

Sorry, not sorry! But really...sorry.

Hikes are fun and stuff (climbing over rocky mountain...)

 These are some of the best photos I have of those moments of joy/silliness/relief after reaching the top of a hike. It's good to keep going. It's good to stay as positive as you can. It's good to enjoy the journey as much as you can. Issssgoooooooooood.

Climbing over rocky mountain...

I've discovered on numerous occasions that I have a tendency to be a whiner.

The thing is, I know I'm just whining temporarily, but how is everybody else supposed to know that?

I said in an earlier post that "I don't like to be a downer," but I've been noticing lately that I whine and spout negativity at random, and then have to over-explain myself to try and patch it up. Generally, I try to be a positive person, but those who know me better tend to see the uglier side of my personality rear it's rotten head from time to time.

I remember one day, during my senior year of high school, I told a good friend that I was having a bad day. He responded "well, that's your fault."
I'm pretty sure I remember whipping my head around and saying something like "excuuuuuuuse me?" and he said, "it's your choice to make a day good or bad. Bad things might happen but you don't have to choose to let them bother you so much."
I probably still looked grumpy (because honestly, for the first minute or so after that I felt very "how dare you?"ish and angry), so he probably has no clue that I learned anything from him that day, but I did. Once I stopped mildly fuming.

Now, truth be told, there are some cases in which one truly cannot just "turn that frown upside down." There are illnesses and circumstances which can make one's emotions difficult to simply "choose" to "fix." But that was not my specific struggle. My day honestly was not that bad. Something annoying had happened earlier in the day, and I'd been mulling over it and letting it cast a shadow over everything else. I did have a choice.

I think much of my problem was/is the fact that I'm not particularly open with people all the time, so when I feel comfortable with people, all the things that I usually bottle up tend to spill out. It's real dumb (it's just so illogical; I'm a bigger burden to the people who make my burdens lighter). I honestly should meet with a therapist from time to time. Maybe everyone should. We take care of other problems at the doctor's office when we get sick/injured. Why isn't it always the same way for our mental health?
I'd like to have my mental health in a good place as a general rule, and I'd like to not be a burden to my loved ones in order to do so.

I really am trying to be a better person, though. There is much that I'm trying to accomplish lately, and it can be very overwhelming. But the climb is rarely the part of the journey that feels worth it at the time, you know? We usually don't appreciate the journey we've taken until there's a view to enjoy. I know that with most hikes I've been on, I've honestly felt a little miserable during the climbing portion (I'm not the most unhealthy person ever, but I'm certainly not a health nut, and I'm rarely super in-shape). Once I have a chance to rest at the top and look down on the path I've taken up to that point, and I see how beautiful everything looks from that perspective, there's a kind of euphoria that washes over me. But before that moment, the only things "washing over me" are my own sweat/blood/tears/desire to turn around and quit.

I feel like that's where I am. I'm at the early stages of the hike where I'm close enough to the beginning that I'm so tempted to say "I'm just going to turn around. I'll go buy everyone cold waters/Gatorade for when you finish, but I can't."
"I'll cheer you on, but I can't do this."
"I'm not strong enough."
"I don't have enough resources to keep my strength up."
"I'm huuuuungryyyyyyyy."
"I'm just not that adventurous."
"This hurts."
"I'm only this far?! That's the top?? All the way up there??!"

But I do recall that at the top of every single one of those hikes, I've thought...
"I can't believe I made it."
"This is beautiful."
"This was so worth it."
"I should do this more often."
"I'm so glad I didn't quit."

No climb was ever made easier by whining the entire time, though (and those climbs have happened, for sure). I wasn't making it easier for myself, or for those around me who were climbing the same trail/taking the same steps that I was.

Positoovity? Poositrocity?

*sigh*

Positivity.

Lezzzdothis.

...only love can do that.

My Shot (cont'd)...

Hey folks!

So, mostly I'm keeping this blog in order to be accountable to myself and to keep myself going.

I know that my current situation might seem like cake to somebody else, but for me it really is difficult. I'm a better person with my husband around; we've been married for a smidge more than four years and I really really like the guy a lot. And to be honest, I'm not always the best at keeping myself in check/thinking of the happy hopeful stuff when my husband is around me all the time, sooooo (struggles of an over-thinker, you know?)... This struggle is actually very real for me.

I'm not someone who likes to be a downer, though.

Even as a kid (just knowing that I'd go back and read them to be all introspective and what-not) I'd end my ranty/angry journal entries with something at least a little positive (albeit a little passive-aggressive).
 
 

Side-note: that's actually one of the reasons I doubt myself as a writer. Good writers don't have to coddle their readers, it seems. Or their characters. E.G. could anyone really stand Harry at all in Order of the Phoenix? Yeah, it needed to happen for the story to be what it is, and granted, Umbridge is Satan (Voldemort's pesky, too), but seriously. Harry was theeee worst in that book. J.K. Rowling is a stronger woman than I am. She let Harry be a human being who could be downright hate-able. She let him be an irrational, imperfect teenager. She did that. She let that honesty happen.

And this should be the only time I ever let myself compare my writing in any way to that of J.K. Rowling, because if I let myself do it more than that I will never have the courage to write anything again, ever.

Ha, speaking of not being a downer..... I'm not a perfect person. It's fine. I just. Iiiiii... Achk.

SO.

Not a downer.

And I know this about myself, which is why I'm trying to keep myself here on the blog from time to time. If I feel like I need to keep up on this thing, and this thing is something/someplace where I will inevitably find something positive to say, I need it. Whether anyone else needs it or not, I do.

Aaaaand it's
 

Now, the reason for the "My Shot" post below... Not that one would need a reason. It's Hamilton, and it's amazing, and you should listen to it if you haven't (and if you haven't, whaaaaaaaaaaaaat?) so please do.
I've been using "My Shot" as a sort of anthem for myself as I work reeeeally hard at all my endeavors (full-time summer school, a new job, a show, a new home, missing the person that I call home, etc.). I'm not sure how many times I've listened to it counting today alone (probably no more than five times today, but lezzzbehonest, this is only the beginning of this adventure and "My Shot" will still be there for me so we'll see how many times a day it winds up being as time goes on).

The whole reason I'm living in Utah while my husband lives in California is because I made a goal, and a sort of pact with myself that I would at least get an undergraduate degree. And I struggled for a long time with the motivation to even begin achieving that goal, because I know that much of the world views artists in a very poor light, and I knew that's what I really wanted to be. It's scary. I was doing well in the world of non-theatre people. I could have been one of those who just did community theatre productions here and there when I felt like having a splash of fun/memories of the "good old days" onstage. I could have let that spark die out. But I found out that I really really really didn't want to. I love theatre, and I love the program that I'm in, and I want to succeed. And I'm soooooooo close!
The goal can be achieved. There is a glimmer of light at the end of that tunnel and I can do it (I really really hope so, anyway).

For a few reasons, I struggle with being proud of myself. This is a goal that I could achieve and feel very proud of myself. I could make my 6th grade teacher, Mr. McKoy, very proud. I mentioned once in class that I didn't know if I'd be able to do college and he looked so dismayed; clearly I've had a very difficult time forgetting the face he made, it's been a minute since twelve-year-old me had that exchange.

I want to do this. I've been wanting to quit all day, but I know that I want to graduate from college. And I want to see people raise their eyebrows at me for being a musical theatre major, and to be able to smile back at them with pure joy.

This is so important to me. I have to try. "And I am not throwing away my shot!"

My Shot

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming....

Feeling a lot less of the "can do" attitude today, but...





I know myself. I apologize a lot and I act timid a lot and I shy away from people/experiences a lot... But I know there's a person stronger than the one I tend to present buried under the shell I've built. That person is the reason I figured I could do this. I just need to be that person.