Sunday, May 15, 2016

"Don't you want to keep your tassel? You know for $5 you can keep your tassel."

I always thought I would be the kind of person who attended her Ten Year High School Reunion.

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It's been ten years, that reunion is right around the corner, and I don't feel like it.

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The part of me that idealized that version of myself is sad, but the rest of me is pondering the issue. I didn't hate high school (as one might assume of someone with no wish to attend such an event). I miss the good times that were had, I regret the stupid times, and I still have a lot of love for those who treated me with friendship and kindness in those years. I simply don't wanna.

Why is that?

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Perhaps my high school self (or selves, I should say - there were many phases) is simply behind me and looking back doesn't seem productive.

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Perhaps I've lost the sweet sentimentality that accompanied me through the age of eighteen (the time when I would've made this unofficial pact with myself to attend the reunion). Perhaps it costs money that I currently don't feel like spending. Perhaps I'm turning into a grump. Perhaps I had so many "selves" in the past that I wouldn't know what to look back on if I tried.
(Even though there's a sort of guilt accompanying my choice not to go, I also feel a freedom and liberation in this choice. This feeling of liberty differs so incredibly from the feelings I tended to have as a teenager. Perhaps there's an impish part of me who just likes the "Not gonna, because who's gonna make me?!" notion about it. Although, doesn't that make me more of a teenager now than I was then? Perhaps I'm Benjamin Button?)

I grew up watching Can't Hardly Wait. It was my brother's favorite movie, and I was definitely the type of kid sister who aimed to be cool. I watched it recently and was still immensely entertained by it. 
Again, I ponder. I think I grew up believing myself to be a Preston/Amanda breed of human: dreamy, idealistic, hopeful... As I've since gone through a whole lot more growing up, I'm learning that I might be more in the Denise/maybe even Kenny (though not in a very literal sense) category.

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And that's very much okay, too.