I always thought I would be the kind of person who attended her Ten Year High School Reunion.
It's been ten years, that reunion is right around the corner, and I don't feel like it.
The part of me that idealized that version of myself is sad, but the rest of me is pondering the issue. I didn't hate high school (as one might assume of someone with no wish to attend such an event). I miss the good times that were had, I regret the stupid times, and I still have a lot of love for those who treated me with friendship and kindness in those years. I simply don't wanna.
Why is that?
Perhaps my high school self (or selves, I should say - there were many phases) is simply behind me and looking back doesn't seem productive.
Perhaps I've lost the sweet sentimentality that accompanied me through the age of eighteen (the time when I would've made this unofficial pact with myself to attend the reunion). Perhaps it costs money that I currently don't feel like spending. Perhaps I'm turning into a grump. Perhaps I had so many "selves" in the past that I wouldn't know what to look back on if I tried.
(Even though there's a sort of guilt accompanying my choice not to go, I also feel a freedom and liberation in this choice. This feeling of liberty differs so incredibly from the feelings I tended to have as a teenager. Perhaps there's an impish part of me who just likes the "Not gonna, because who's gonna make me?!" notion about it. Although, doesn't that make me more of a teenager now than I was then? Perhaps I'm Benjamin Button?)
I grew up watching Can't Hardly Wait. It was my brother's favorite movie, and I was definitely the type of kid sister who aimed to be cool. I watched it recently and was still immensely entertained by it.
Again, I ponder. I think I grew up believing myself to be a Preston/Amanda breed of human: dreamy, idealistic, hopeful... As I've since gone through a whole lot more growing up, I'm learning that I might be more in the Denise/maybe even Kenny (though not in a very literal sense) category.
And that's very much okay, too.