Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Responsibility, what's that?

Feeling a whole lot of feelings, lately.

I can't even listen to more than one sad song in a row without getting into a slump for a significant part of my day. I have something of an empathetic personality, and I feel sadness easily if that is the emotion being presented to me. Or if I'm bored, sadness is usually what decides to kick in these days. I'm a little more prone to negativity and sadness without my best pal around.

It's amazing what a trick it is to get by without someone whose presence you've grown so accustomed to. I've been doing a very sloppy job, lately. It's a little ironic. I'm here and living separately from my spouse/best friend for school, but because I miss him so much I'm having a very hard time with school.

I've turned assignments in on time and I've generally been getting by, but barely. And I'm struggling with that fact. I'm typically a little more of a go-getter and a doer when it comes to schoolwork. I think it's important, especially as a theatre student. It's like those memes you see about Harry Potter and Ron Weasley hating their homework when their homework was MAGIC. When the bulk of my homework is for a major which could be definitively described as "magic", it feels ridiculous to slide by, only doing the bare minimum.
And frankly (pardon my French, I know the swears bother some of my near and dear ones), if I'm going to spend time in my life to get a degree in Musical Theatre, you bet your ass I'm going to do my damnedest to do it as well as I can. This is a degree that is not particularly well-respected by most of society. I'm going to get the most goodness and awesomeness out of it that I can, because I believe in it.
But, as I said before (and to contradict everything that I just barely said), I'm struggling with motivation, lately.

Image result for harry and ron hate homework

Are there tricks for that? The sadness also brings me tiredness, which kills motivation even further... But honestly, (it might get really real for a second here) I wonder if I really want to be rid of the sadness. The sadness means that I'm not cold, heartless, or emotionless. The sadness means that my husband and I miss each other and still help one another to be happy when we're around each other a lot. The sadness makes me appreciate what I do have that is good. Sadness matters. But I really really really don't like it right now. It's just hanging around a little too much. My entire outlook has changed "colors."

Image result for sadness

I honestly just wish I were Wonder-Woman, but I'm not (as my recent minor toe injury tried to remind me). I wish I could be as motivated as I hoped I would be when these crazy plans were made, but I just feel stuck. I wish a lot of things.

"If at first you don't succeed, try... try again." - The Rescuers
Image result for the rescuers

New Radicals - You Get What You Give (Original)


Tuesday, September 6, 2016

That's enough, please.

School struggles + minor foot injury + struggling to get enough hours at work to get by + struggling to get enough hours of sleep to get by + missing my favorite human so SO much = a cranky, emotional me.

Forgive me if I'm a little less pleasant today than I generally try to be. I have been receiving a couple of subtle reminders a week lately that what I'm striving to do is "just crazy" and "selfish". I gather that in some eyes, the choice my husband and I made looks like utter selfishness/career-first-spouse-later thinking. I assure you all, the decision was actually made from a place of love and support of one another.

He and I unfortunately do not have perfectly aligned schedules in education. He did not want to pull me away from a program I was thriving in, nor did I want to keep him away from truly progressing with his goals/dreams. While others "love their spouse too much to be separated from them," I love my spouse too much to hold him back from accomplishing great things, and he feels the same way.

We all love differently, and all love is important. Granted, living apart is kind of miserable (and I only say "kind of" because I know others have it so much worse; we do at least get to see each other in person now and again).

This decision is still something I struggle with every day, and I guess I'm just trying to say... Judgement from others doesn't make it any easier. I realize it's not anyone else's job to make my life any easier than I choose to make it myself, but some consideration is always nice. I don't think these judgements are being spoken with malicious intent, but it does still hurt to be judged even by someone with the best of intentions. And I kind of feel like (sorry to pity-party) I'm already hurting enough without anyone needing to add anything to it at all.

Que "Everybody Hurts..."