Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Responsibility, what's that?

Feeling a whole lot of feelings, lately.

I can't even listen to more than one sad song in a row without getting into a slump for a significant part of my day. I have something of an empathetic personality, and I feel sadness easily if that is the emotion being presented to me. Or if I'm bored, sadness is usually what decides to kick in these days. I'm a little more prone to negativity and sadness without my best pal around.

It's amazing what a trick it is to get by without someone whose presence you've grown so accustomed to. I've been doing a very sloppy job, lately. It's a little ironic. I'm here and living separately from my spouse/best friend for school, but because I miss him so much I'm having a very hard time with school.

I've turned assignments in on time and I've generally been getting by, but barely. And I'm struggling with that fact. I'm typically a little more of a go-getter and a doer when it comes to schoolwork. I think it's important, especially as a theatre student. It's like those memes you see about Harry Potter and Ron Weasley hating their homework when their homework was MAGIC. When the bulk of my homework is for a major which could be definitively described as "magic", it feels ridiculous to slide by, only doing the bare minimum.
And frankly (pardon my French, I know the swears bother some of my near and dear ones), if I'm going to spend time in my life to get a degree in Musical Theatre, you bet your ass I'm going to do my damnedest to do it as well as I can. This is a degree that is not particularly well-respected by most of society. I'm going to get the most goodness and awesomeness out of it that I can, because I believe in it.
But, as I said before (and to contradict everything that I just barely said), I'm struggling with motivation, lately.

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Are there tricks for that? The sadness also brings me tiredness, which kills motivation even further... But honestly, (it might get really real for a second here) I wonder if I really want to be rid of the sadness. The sadness means that I'm not cold, heartless, or emotionless. The sadness means that my husband and I miss each other and still help one another to be happy when we're around each other a lot. The sadness makes me appreciate what I do have that is good. Sadness matters. But I really really really don't like it right now. It's just hanging around a little too much. My entire outlook has changed "colors."

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I honestly just wish I were Wonder-Woman, but I'm not (as my recent minor toe injury tried to remind me). I wish I could be as motivated as I hoped I would be when these crazy plans were made, but I just feel stuck. I wish a lot of things.

"If at first you don't succeed, try... try again." - The Rescuers
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