Monday, July 11, 2016

Climbing over rocky mountain...

I've discovered on numerous occasions that I have a tendency to be a whiner.

The thing is, I know I'm just whining temporarily, but how is everybody else supposed to know that?

I said in an earlier post that "I don't like to be a downer," but I've been noticing lately that I whine and spout negativity at random, and then have to over-explain myself to try and patch it up. Generally, I try to be a positive person, but those who know me better tend to see the uglier side of my personality rear it's rotten head from time to time.

I remember one day, during my senior year of high school, I told a good friend that I was having a bad day. He responded "well, that's your fault."
I'm pretty sure I remember whipping my head around and saying something like "excuuuuuuuse me?" and he said, "it's your choice to make a day good or bad. Bad things might happen but you don't have to choose to let them bother you so much."
I probably still looked grumpy (because honestly, for the first minute or so after that I felt very "how dare you?"ish and angry), so he probably has no clue that I learned anything from him that day, but I did. Once I stopped mildly fuming.

Now, truth be told, there are some cases in which one truly cannot just "turn that frown upside down." There are illnesses and circumstances which can make one's emotions difficult to simply "choose" to "fix." But that was not my specific struggle. My day honestly was not that bad. Something annoying had happened earlier in the day, and I'd been mulling over it and letting it cast a shadow over everything else. I did have a choice.

I think much of my problem was/is the fact that I'm not particularly open with people all the time, so when I feel comfortable with people, all the things that I usually bottle up tend to spill out. It's real dumb (it's just so illogical; I'm a bigger burden to the people who make my burdens lighter). I honestly should meet with a therapist from time to time. Maybe everyone should. We take care of other problems at the doctor's office when we get sick/injured. Why isn't it always the same way for our mental health?
I'd like to have my mental health in a good place as a general rule, and I'd like to not be a burden to my loved ones in order to do so.

I really am trying to be a better person, though. There is much that I'm trying to accomplish lately, and it can be very overwhelming. But the climb is rarely the part of the journey that feels worth it at the time, you know? We usually don't appreciate the journey we've taken until there's a view to enjoy. I know that with most hikes I've been on, I've honestly felt a little miserable during the climbing portion (I'm not the most unhealthy person ever, but I'm certainly not a health nut, and I'm rarely super in-shape). Once I have a chance to rest at the top and look down on the path I've taken up to that point, and I see how beautiful everything looks from that perspective, there's a kind of euphoria that washes over me. But before that moment, the only things "washing over me" are my own sweat/blood/tears/desire to turn around and quit.

I feel like that's where I am. I'm at the early stages of the hike where I'm close enough to the beginning that I'm so tempted to say "I'm just going to turn around. I'll go buy everyone cold waters/Gatorade for when you finish, but I can't."
"I'll cheer you on, but I can't do this."
"I'm not strong enough."
"I don't have enough resources to keep my strength up."
"I'm huuuuungryyyyyyyy."
"I'm just not that adventurous."
"This hurts."
"I'm only this far?! That's the top?? All the way up there??!"

But I do recall that at the top of every single one of those hikes, I've thought...
"I can't believe I made it."
"This is beautiful."
"This was so worth it."
"I should do this more often."
"I'm so glad I didn't quit."

No climb was ever made easier by whining the entire time, though (and those climbs have happened, for sure). I wasn't making it easier for myself, or for those around me who were climbing the same trail/taking the same steps that I was.

Positoovity? Poositrocity?




No comments:

Post a Comment