Thursday, July 7, 2016

My Shot (cont'd)...

Hey folks!

So, mostly I'm keeping this blog in order to be accountable to myself and to keep myself going.
I know that my current situation might seem like cake to somebody else, but for me it really is difficult. I'm a better person with my husband around; we've been married for a smidge more than four years and I really really like the guy a lot. And to be honest, I'm not always the best at keeping myself in check/thinking of the happy hopeful stuff when my husband is around me all the time, sooooo (struggles of an over-thinker, you know?)... This struggle is actually very real for me.

I'm not someone who likes to be a downer, though.

Even as a kid (just knowing that I'd go back and read them to be all introspective and what-not) I'd end my ranty/angry journal entries with something at least a little positive (albeit a little passive-aggressive).
 Image result for eeyore quote

Side-note: that's actually one of the reasons I doubt myself as a writer. Good writers don't have to coddle their readers, it seems. Or their characters. E.G. could anyone really stand Harry at all in Order of the Phoenix? Yeah, it needed to happen for the story to be what it is, and granted, Umbridge is Satan (Voldemort's pesky, too), but seriously. Harry was theeee worst in that book. J.K. Rowling is a stronger woman than I am. She let Harry be a human being who could be downright hate-able. She let him be an irrational, imperfect teenager. She did that. She let that honesty happen.

And this should be the only time I ever let myself compare my writing in any way to that of J.K. Rowling, because if I let myself do it more than that I will never have the courage to write anything again, ever.

Ha, speaking of not being a downer..... I'm not a perfect person. It's fine. I just. Iiiiii... Achk.


Not a downer.

And I know this about myself, which is why I'm trying to keep myself here on the blog from time to time. If I feel like I need to keep up on this thing, and this thing is something/someplace where I will inevitably find something positive to say, I need it. Whether anyone else needs it or not, I do.

Aaaaand it's
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Now, the reason for the "My Shot" post below... Not that one would need a reason. It's Hamilton, and it's amazing, and you should listen to it if you haven't (and if you haven't, whaaaaaaaaaaaaat?) so please do.
I've been using "My Shot" as a sort of anthem for myself as I work reeeeally hard at all my endeavors (full-time summer school, a new job, a show, a new home, missing the person that I call home, etc.). I'm not sure how many times I've listened to it counting today alone (probably no more than five times today, but lezzzbehonest, this is only the beginning of this adventure and "My Shot" will still be there for me so we'll see how many times a day it winds up being as time goes on).

The whole reason I'm living in Utah while my husband lives in California is because I made a goal, and a sort of pact with myself that I would at least get an undergraduate degree. And I struggled for a long time with the motivation to even begin achieving that goal, because I know that much of the world views artists in a very poor light, and I knew that's what I really wanted to be. It's scary. I was doing well in the world of non-theatre people. I could have been one of those who just did community theatre productions here and there when I felt like having a splash of fun/memories of the "good old days" onstage. I could have let that spark die out. But I found out that I really really really didn't want to. I love theatre, and I love the program that I'm in, and I want to succeed. And I'm soooooooo close!
The goal can be achieved. There is a glimmer of light at the end of that tunnel and I can do it (I really really hope so, anyway).

For a few reasons, I struggle with being proud of myself. This is a goal that I could achieve and feel very proud of myself. I could make my 6th grade teacher, Mr. McKoy, very proud. I mentioned once in class that I didn't know if I'd be able to do college and he looked so dismayed; clearly I've had a very difficult time forgetting the face he made, it's been a minute since twelve-year-old me had that exchange.

I want to do this. I've been wanting to quit all day, but I know that I want to graduate from college. And I want to see people raise their eyebrows at me for being a musical theatre major, and to be able to smile back at them with pure joy.
This is so important to me. I have to try. "And I am not throwing away my shot!"

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