Tuesday, July 12, 2016

Why are you apologizing?!

I get the following questions/statements a lot:
  • Why are you apologizing?
  • Sorry for what?
  • Stop apologizing.
  • What are you sorry for?
  • Apologizing makes you sound needy...
For a while there, I was starting to feel like a really confident person (if we go back in time two and a half years or so). But I changed course. Although several fundamental qualities of my personality and morals remain, I have changed course. And changing course means unfamiliar territory, which tends to mean there will be bumps and bruises, and sometimes those little injuries along the way (if acquired consistently along the unbeaten path) give a person reason to doubt him/herself.
I doubt and second guess myself and my choices rather often.
I do feel as though I've been growing as a human being, but growing isn't easy.

Image result for a seed must come completely undone

I don't always feel certain about where my source of light to grow toward is, either. But as long as I'm growing toward some kind of light, I suppose I should be content to simply grow and let the chips fall where they may.
I'm under construction. That is why I apologize so much. Honestly, when others are speaking/interacting with me, I don't even feel certain I know who it is that they're dealing with. I do know, however, that I am an empathetic person who doesn't enjoy the annoyance/pain/confusion of other people. I also know that I apologize more often than I would like to, but it feels like a compulsion now. I'm not sure how to kick the habit.

Sorry, not sorry! But really...sorry.

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