Tuesday, July 19, 2016

"You're lost in the woods. We all are."

I'm feeling a little extra lost, lately... I feel like I'm "getting by" and have all these things I have to do but haven't done yet, and I also feel like I'm not enjoying the things I'm doing as much as I should be.

I have my moments! I enjoy things sometimes. But my joy feels so fleeting; it seems as though any old comment or situation can chase my moment(s) of joy far away. School is just getting harder. There are things I should have been doing at the start of this semester of school that I have still not done, because it seemed too hard at the time, and now the eminent difficulty seems all the more daunting and is all the more vital to get done.
There are also things in the coming school year that will be weighing on me and making my life more difficult. See, there are times in my life when I enjoy being busy and responsible, but I feel like this next school year will not be one of those times (and yet, keeping busy and staying responsible will be required of me whether I "feel like it" or not). I've already made a few decisions/commitments because I knew it would make other people happy. I've already tied myself to extra responsibilities and work that (should I survive) I'll be grateful for once the crazy times are over, but that currently look like several more weights to add to the stack that I'm already carrying.

I'm struggling to make ends meet, financially. I honestly don't know if I can do this. It sounded like such an interesting adventure. Albeit, a terrifying and saddening interesting adventure, but I thought we could probably do it. I'm feeling a lot of weight on my shoulders at the moment, and I'm currently just trying to get a little relief. I'm fairly certain that no one I know reads this blog, and in some ways that's encouraging. I don't think I'd feel free to whine quite this much if I thought someone I know was keeping up on it. If some stranger reads it, just for kicks, I'm sorry that this post isn't very chipper. But if Pixar's Inside Out taught us anything, it's that we all need a little sadness, right? We need a balance.

Well, this is a sadness post. Everything is tinted a little more blue today. I don't know how I'm going to do any of the things that I should be doing, if this strange adventure is to go according to plan. And if it doesn't go according to plan, what was it all for?

Also, can it actually be defined as an "adventure" if it relies so much on a plan? Seriously, what am I doing with my life? I feel like I'm a good person, but I feel like I'm not good at being a person. Is that even possible?
This post is my version of a deep breath before I fall asleep, because falling asleep means I wake up in some hours and go to school, then work, then rehearsal, and then I study (if I do things the way I'd like to believe I would), then go to sleep again.
I know I'm going to sound awfully contrary (particularly with the way this post has been going) when I say this, but when an entire day is planned out and my time is occupied before I even get the chance to live that day through, I feel really depressed about it. That's quite ironic for somebody who wants things to go according to plan... But I hate having something to do at nearly all hours of the day. Especially when I'm running on so little steam.

On that note, I wish I could end this post with a cute little "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can" train, but I can't. Because at the moment, I don't.

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